last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i love accidental penises.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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