he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
