It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
