Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
