Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
