I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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