i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
