DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
