when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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