this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
