If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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