hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
