I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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