I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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