smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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