i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
