When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
