I cannot find my penis.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
