you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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