Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
