What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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