Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
