my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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