We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
