I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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