Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
