yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
