I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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