so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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