I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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