I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
