I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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