apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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