I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
