I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
