the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
