peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this beer tastes like vomit already
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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