I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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