Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
