It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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