An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
