Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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