seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
