why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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