I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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