You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
