Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
