I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
