she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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