What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
