Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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