If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
