dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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