Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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