I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
