wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
