Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
