sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
