It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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