i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Randomize
