Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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