the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
