our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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